Being a psychologist for 35+ years and counseling hundreds of women at all stages of life, I’d like to tell you this doesn’t happen to me anymore. But, I can’t. It’s a habit. My inner critic gets stirred up if I’m in a new situation like moving after living in the same home for over 30 years or even just going somewhere I haven’t been before. Self-doubt creeps in when I’m physically tired, mentally fatigued, and emotionally depleted. If I haven’t heard from a friend in a while, I think “What have I done?” only to find out that she’s absorbed in work-related challenges and family issues. Not a thing to do with me. Can you relate?
“Being a psychologist for 35+ years and counseling hundreds of women at all stages of life, I’d like to tell you this doesn’t happen to me anymore. But, I can’t.”
Now for a moment, imagine a friend’s inner critic is pummeling them with negative thoughts like,
“You deserve to feel badly about yourself.”
“Of course, you’re to blame.”
“You’ll never amount to anything. Just admit that you’re not capable or good enough.”
“Listen to me. You know I’m right.”
Imagine this friend shares these thoughts. We might feel surprised, even horrified that they could possibly believe such things! We’d tell them not to give in to their negative self-talk and how wonderful we think they are. We’d support and encourage and help them in any way we could. We’d love them unconditionally.
Then, why is this so hard to do for ourselves?
Why are women more self-critical than men?
Experts agree that women tend to be more self-critical than men because of biology, developmental influences, and cultural factors. In studies looking at female and male personality differences, women score higher on being agreeable and warm, open to feelings, trusting others, expressing greater empathy, and being tender-minded (i.e. nurturing). Women are also affected more by both positive and negative emotions including love, joy, embarrassment, guilt, shame, and fear.
These findings suggest that women are more sensitive and affected by feelings towards others which may trigger their inner critic, especially when they think they’ve hurt someone, let them down, or else perceived that someone has negative feelings towards them. For example, a woman who bases more of her self-worth on being agreeable and nurturing may be more dependent on what others think of her. She might experience greater self-criticism if she perceives herself as not getting along with someone or being liked by them. In addition to biologically and culturally driven influences, individual differences in how women view themselves and their lives must be taken into account to fully understand how our inner critic works. I’ll share my story as an example.
“A woman who bases more of her self-worth on being agreeable and nurturing may be more dependent on what others think of her.”
Although my mom stayed home to raise our family, I had two grandmas who worked full-time. My aunt had a Ph.D. in biochemistry with her own lab, which was very unusual for a woman then. I viewed women as strong and competent, and I was encouraged by my parents, who told me I could become whatever I chose. But because I excelled at many subjects, my physician father also had high expectations for me. I liked school and did well, so it became a source of both self-esteem and criticism.
Before puberty, I was a tomboy and didn’t think twice about it. I was confident and self-assured. Then after sixth grade, we moved to a new school where the girls were boy-obsessed. This created more fuel for my inner critic over how I could attract boys and be popular. My developmental engine for female-identified behaviors had been turned on as I strove to master this new frontier. I felt clumsy and unprepared. It didn’t come easy to me like academics and I didn’t want to fail. Not my finest memory. Together, these factors influenced how I felt about myself then — and they continued to impact me as I grew into adulthood.
How to work with your inner critic
However your inner critic got started and whatever keeps it going, we can take steps to calm our self-criticism and learn to “befriend ourselves.” These steps are simple but not easy!
To begin, approach yourself with self-compassion, lovingkindness, and non-judgment. Experiment and discover what works for you. Learn from your mistakes rather than dwelling on or running from them. Remember what Buddha said, “You as much as anyone else are deserving of your love.”
1. Befriend yourself
Most of us would never say to a friend or a loved one the harsh and derogatory comments our inner critics tell us. Who would tell a loved one how badly she/they should feel for making a mistake or saying the wrong thing? Who would say to a friend, “You really suck” or “What’s wrong with you anyway?” Those thoughts would not come to mind between friends.
“Tell yourself that you still deserve to feel good about yourself regardless of what’s happened.”
So, the next time your inner critic is trying to convince you of how you’re not good enough or measuring up, befriend yourself instead. Say to yourself what you would to a friend. Tell yourself that you still deserve to feel good about yourself regardless of what’s happened. Let your inner critic know you’re being too hard on yourself and no one gets it right all the time. Remind yourself that human beings make mistakes and that this too shall pass. Approach yourself with compassion, love, understanding, and kindness.
2. Re-focus your attention on the present moment
We often make matters worse by getting carried away with the narrative/stories our inner critic is telling us rather than paying attention to the moment we’re actually in. Research indicates that we spend 80% of our time worrying about the future, 20% of our time regretting the past, and very little in the present moment. Since many of my clients (including me) tend to dwell on their negative or anxiety-producing thoughts, present-moment awareness or mindfulness has helped calm their inner critic.
“We often make matters worse by getting carried away with the narrative/stories our inner critic is telling us rather than paying attention to the moment we’re actually in.”
To refocus your attention, start by noticing what’s going on outside of you rather than inside your mind. What are the sights, sounds, and smells around you? Are there any taste or touch sensations you’re aware of? Focus on your breath as it flows in and out of your body if you’re used to or comfortable with this. Study an image that catches your eye. Listen to some tunes if you’re able. Concentrate on flexing and pointing your feet. Find what works for you.
3. Practice lovingkindness
Another skill that I teach in individual counseling and my Stress Less Live Better classes is called lovingkindness or Metta Meditation. While babies are born without self-criticism, experiences they have with those who affect how they feel about themselves (i.e. parents, other caregivers, teachers, and peers) will result in how strong their inner critic becomes.
Even those of us who have come from mostly loving and compassionate homes can use help sometimes getting our inner critic to stand down. What follows is the lovingkindness meditation I have used for years which I learned from Dr. Joan Borysenko.
“May I be at peace.
May my heart remain open.
May I know the beauty of my own true nature.
May I be healed.
May I be a source of healing to others.”
Repeat 3 times. Take a deep breath and give yourself a hug.
4. Notice and note your positive qualities
Because our inner critics tend to think in extremes like “You’re NEVER good enough,” or “You’re ALWAYS messing up,” it’s tough not feeling badly about yourself when they’re stirred up. The time to prepare for this is before it happens. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
My recommendation: Make a list of three positive qualities about yourself that are true about you. Do this despite the temporary negative thoughts you may experience, or changes in how you feel about yourself prompted by external situations. What positive qualities about you remain constant?
“Make a list of three positive qualities about yourself that are true about you.”
It could be that you’re trustworthy, kind, thoughtful, sincere, honest, authentic, understanding or creative. You can also use phrases to describe yourself, like gets along well with others, thinks outside the box, has good communication skills, enjoys learning and acquiring new skills, enjoys exploring the outdoors, leads a fit and active life, or takes care of herself.
If you’re stumped about what to write, ask a friend or several for what they think. Recite your list when you wake up and before you go to sleep. Remind yourself of how wonderful you are.
5. Move your body
Working out and being physically active is another way to calm your inner critic. Many of my patients choose this because it’s already part of their daily or weekly routine. The benefits are twofold: First, it triggers our bodies to release stress-relieving chemicals that ease the negative effects of our inner critic; second, it helps us redirect our attention to the moment we’re in and away from the self-critical thoughts and feelings we may be having. It gives us something else to think about.
Besides working out, you can move your body in many other ways. Some of my clients like to spend time petting or playing with their animals. Moms often choose to do something with their children and concentrate on this. In my classes, we sometimes go for a mindful walk outside, paying attention to our external experience and not what’s going on in our heads. It could be taking a shower, washing the dishes, or baking a loaf of bread. Remember, it’s about discovering what works for you.
“Like brushing your teeth, you won’t prevent cavities thinking about it — you’ve got to do it to produce the outcome you want.”
In therapy, I tell my clients that life is a marathon, not a sprint. When they are practicing a new skill or way of relating to themselves and their experience, I suggest they go slow, one moment or day at a time. If you experience the voice of an inner critic, start by choosing one of the skills mentioned in the last section and practice 2–3 times every other day or several times each week. Set an alarm on your phone or schedule a time on your calendar to do this so it’s more likely you’ll return to it.
It isn’t always easy to work towards new habits. In order to sustain change, we need to make it part of our daily or weekly routine. Like brushing your teeth, you won’t prevent cavities thinking about it — you’ve got to do it to produce the outcome you want. Expect bumps along the way. The easiest way towards change is to be patient and kind to yourself as you try to produce it.
Dr. Diane Sanford is a women’s health psychologist specializing in empowering women through every stage of life. For 35+ years she has prescribed self-care and mindfulness to guide her clients towards inner peace and self-awareness. To achieve clarity and balance in her own life, her self-care and mindfulness practices include yoga, meditation, walks in nature, reading, cooking, spending time with loved ones, and playing with her 20-month-old grandson, Cameron. You can visit her at drdianesanford.com.
