When we’re young, we do what feels right to us. As a kid, I napped in the middle of the living room floor because it felt warm and expansive. When the inspiration struck, I’d write a poem, contort myself into a pretzel, or dance an adagio across the kitchen. It never occurred to me that my impulses shouldn’t be satisfied. But then came school, work, and all the other forms of socialization that draw us away from the core of ourselves.
“Like many adults, I’ve found the shape of my true self hard to make out these days, buried as it is beneath layers of convention.”
Like many adults, I’ve found the shape of my true self hard to make out these days, buried as it is beneath layers of convention. So I’m trying to chip away at the veneer by doing things my own way. It can seem almost subversive at times — we’re so conditioned to adhere to the norm — but that subtle sense of defiance makes the whole thing a bit more exciting.
So, if that piques your interest, I’ve put together some big and little ways I’ve found to customize your life below.
It’s okay to start with the way you look
Starting with your appearance can seem superficial, but it’s not really. Changing our clothes, for example, can genuinely alter how we feel about ourselves. And you don’t need a scientific study to tell you what a good hair day does for your outlook. Customizing your look is a totally valid way to start tailoring your life — and dialing in a routine that’s actually suited to you can make you feel better inside and out. Here’s where to start:
“Changing our clothes, for example, can genuinely alter how we feel about ourselves.”
Learn your hair and skin type
Growing up, many of us were told there are two types of hair: Straight and curly. It turns out there are actually dozens. Andre Walker is widely known for developing a hair typing system, which — believe it or not — is just the beginning. Once you know your hair type, it’s also helpful to learn about your hair’s texture, porosity, density, and your scalp’s health. Armed with this information, you can find hair products that are just right for you. (Reddit is a treasure trove of information here. Or you can try customized hair care brands like Prose.) You may be surprised at how much more confident and embodied you feel when your hair is nourished and doing what it was “supposed” to do all along.
Similar customization can be applied to your skincare. While not as broadly discussed as Walker’s Hair Typing system, the Baumann Skin Type system can help you figure out what your skin needs. And the Fitzpatrick Scale will help you predict how your skin responds to the sun.
Update your clothing
You may be itching for a new wardrobe — and, trust me, you have my permission. But sometimes, all you need are some thoughtful modifications to your current closet. Getting your most-worn items tailored to flatter your unique body is well worth the investment — just check out these before and after photos. And if you’re feeling particularly industrious, you can learn some basic alterations at home.
If you haven’t learned your color season yet, now’s your chance. Then once you know what shades flatter your complexion, don’t be afraid to grab some garment dye and give your “wrong”-colored clothes a new life! (I did this for the first time recently; it was much easier than I thought.)
Create a signature scent
The evidence of synthetic fragrances disrupting endocrine health is mounting, but that’s not the only reason to switch to essential oils. You can also combine them in endless potions to create a signature scent that’s true to you. Whether you prefer to smell honeyed and lush, crisp and herbaceous, or woody and smoky, you can do that by blending oils. I’ve even contemplated creating a different blend for each phase of my menstrual cycle.
Remember, the modus operandi for all of these changes is to be moving toward a truer version of yourself. So resist the urge to compare or make alterations that comply with a social norm. Do you!
Reclaim your time and energy
I often think about how much fatigue, mental unrest, and illness would be ameliorated if we weren’t expected to be productive robots for forty-plus hours each week. Things weren’t always this way, and some organizations are starting to see the light when it comes to giving their employees more flexibility and personal time. But the majority of us are still beholden to a stringent schedule, whether as employees or as home caregivers, for example. And these taxes on our energy can utterly drain us of our true qualities. (Spoiler: “Survival mode” is not a personality trait.)
“I often think about how much fatigue, mental unrest, and illness would be ameliorated if we weren’t expected to be productive robots for forty-plus hours each week.”
Short of starting a revolution, there’s probably a limit to how much you can tailor your day to your energetic needs. But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless! You can start by learning about your chronotype, which gives clues about when you’re naturally productive and when you’re better off resting. Where you can find the flexibility to adjust your schedule accordingly, you’ll find a truer, more content version of yourself.
Once you’ve grasped your unique pattern of waxing and waning energy, you can turn your attention toward other factors that influence your vitality, like how caffeine consumption affects you at different times of the day, or what to expect (and how to adjust your routine) to the different phases of your menstrual cycle. You can take a look at the weather forecast and form a general schedule based on that. After all, most people feel pretty differently on a cloudy day vs. a sunny one. (I personally feel morose on a bright day, but energized when it’s overcast.)
The point is that not all of us — maybe not even most of us — thrive in an 8-to-5, Monday-to-Friday, sunny and 75 situation. I encourage you to do what you can to make time work for you.
Reevaluate how you have fun
Here are a few of the things society tells us are fun: drinking alcohol, shopping, dining out, streaming movies and television. None of these are inherently bad. They do, however, stand in stark contrast to the things that are proven to have a sustained effect on our happiness, like volunteering, spending quality time with loved ones, achieving goals, exploring nature, and creating.
I’m not saying that every cocktail hour needs to be replaced with a beach cleanup. But in the busy haze of adulthood, many of us have lost track of what truly gratifies us. That makes it all too easy for consumerism to step in and show us the way. It’s something we have to actively fight if we want to find what truly lights us up.
“In the busy haze of adulthood, many of us have lost track of what truly gratifies us.”
If you’d like some guidance for rediscovering the joys that bring you home to yourself, try asking the following questions:
- What did I like to do when I was young?
- What am I naturally curious about?
- What am I doing when I lose track of time or get lost in the moment?
- What hobbies do I envy others for doing?
If you’re still stuck, here’s a list of hobby ideas to get your wheels turning. And when you try a new activity, you can ask yourself the following:
- Do I feel energized after doing this?
- Do I want to do it again?
- Do I look forward to doing it after a long day?
- Am I good at it? (Totally fine if you’re not; some people enjoy the challenge! But if it frustrates you, maybe move on for now.)
If you feel alert, relaxed, engaged, or have a sense of warmth and lightness in your body when you’re doing something, those are signs that it’s fun for you!
Consider where you derive value
A couple of sessions I had with an Enneagram coach opened my eyes to how differently-motivated people can be. I (of course) knew that folks have wildly different personalities, but it was a revelation to learn just how varied our drives and values can be. In Western society, it’s assumed that we get meaning primarily from achievement and accumulation, but for so many people, that’s not the reality. People’s motivations run the gamut and — plot twist — only about 11% of study participants identified accomplishment, busyness, productivity, and accolades as their primary drivers. That means a huge portion of us are likely plugging away at goals that don’t suit us.
“It’s assumed that we get meaning primarily from achievement and accumulation, but for so many people, that’s not the reality.”
There’s no one right way to discover your true values, but learning your Enneagram type can be a nice jumping-off point. It may help you discover that you care most about integrity and moral righteousness or being loved and appreciated, for example. When you know what you ultimately care most about, you can shuffle the pieces of your life accordingly.
Reclaiming your life and making it feel like your own is a tall order and, in my opinion, one that shouldn’t be approached like a checklist. Know that you have time to experiment, to test the water and see what feels good, and to make mistakes. So long as you have grace with yourself, this process can be immensely enjoyable, and the possibilities for tailoring your world are nearly endless.
“So long as you have grace with yourself, this process can be immensely enjoyable.”
Go forth with confidence! I can’t wait to see who you become — or perhaps I should say who you return to.
What are the big or small ways you’ve customized your life? Let us know in the comments!
Nicole Ahlering is a wellness writer living in Southern California. When she’s not writing, she’s combing the beach for shells, at the Pilates studio, sipping matcha, or doing crafts with friends. She believes the secret to happiness is slowing down.
